Let's just say this year has been the toughest year I think I've ever had. Lots of loss and disappointment.
I just don't get people. I try to be a decent understanding person. I guess it isn't working as well as it should be. I don't know if people mean to be so hurtful or it just comes out that way. I am sorry for trying to make things easier on people. I work my hardest and bust my ass to not inconvenience anyone else. And you know what? It ALWAYS backfires.
Some of the loss this year were people just taken from me and others were choices I made to make my life better cause I deserve better. BUT it hasn't made anything better. It has just made me more emotional and I hurt all the time. Maybe it's my hormones right now, but i just want to cry all the time. My mind it always going non stop. What will happen the day I have to face these people again? How will I handle it? I don't deserve it. I want to quit it all. MAYBE I have a sign on me that says walk all over me and treat me like shit, I don't know.
The things that have happened make me want to pack up move away, change my phone number and start fresh, run and hide from all the hurt . BUT, I know that won't help or change anything. New problems will show up no matter where I am.
I am blessed in so many ways, but still that doesn't make a difference sometimes. I just want to crawl back into bed and not ever have to talk to anyone again.
Last night after a rough and long day, Wayne took me to dinner and a movie while mom and dad watched Branden. And it was ruined by the thoughts running through my head all night. Why do I deserve to feel like this? Just talking about things got me all worked up. The movie was great and took my mind off things for a couple hours, THEN back to reality. The second it was over. I was waiting on him to come out of the bathroom and all I could do is look around and think am I gonna run into them and if so what do I do? He left me here by myself in a place that we are very likely to encounter them.
Here I am today, a day to relax while the boys are gone and I am on here ranting and feeling all these terrible emotions. I should be able to sit back relax and let my mind be at ease but NOPE.
I just want people to think about how the things they say and do effect others before they say and do them. Is that too much to ask? Would they like to feel like this all the time? NO. and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I want people to be happy and enjoy life. It is a great thing.
I have to keep reminding myself that I am blessed to have such a crazy lil man, and supportive hubby and another blessing on the way.
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Do keep on counting those blessings girl! I think you have had several situations this year where the wool has been removed from your eyes and you see for the first time how selfish some people you thought you knew actually are.
ReplyDeleteThey haven't changed.
You haven't changed.
Just your vision.
The place you are in your life. You have learned more in 6 months the value of life than anyone I know. Lots of loss = perhaps a change in focus or the lense through which you view things.
Your head should be held high and should you run into "those people" you should have NO, let me repeat NO NO NO shame! The only sad truth is that you are at a different point in your life than some of those around you. Each friendship and relationship has seasons. I've had friends that the season "ends" and never returns or maybe after some time and circumstances change it's like old times again.
With all that said I do want to caution you (and I think you know) With Aidan I did experience out of control and irrational feelings while pregnant, after his birth and then even off and on this time. I'm NOT saying "you're hormonal get over it" I'm saying that some of your feelings might be rational...but the "downs" very well may be something to keep in check. For your 2 boys and lil' Partridge you need to surround yourself with joy, friends who are true and supportive.
I've seen you in action demonstrating compassion, forgiveness and true, true feelings of friendship. For those that can not see that or do not appreciate it...well they shouldn't receieve for they are not deserving!
Take care and try to enjoy the rest of your evening!
Don't be afraid of running into these people in public. You having these fears are only allowing them to control your emotions and you need to be the one in control! When you see them (whoever they are) hold your head high and give them the silent treatment they deserve! If they try to talk to you, just tell them...I'm sorry, I don't have anything to say to you. And go about your business. Show them you don't need them to be a part of your life for you to have a great time and enjoy life to the fullest.
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